Dear Nikki, Willy, and Annie,
I want you to know that none of this is your fault. I want you to know that despite what will look like to you, a cruel and monstrous thing, that I have loved you more than anything in this world. I know you will say, "that cannot be true, if you loved us, you would not have sought death." It isn't the case. My heart is in great pain for what you will go through without me, to the point that I can't much think about it, because I can't really bear it in its entirety. I have thought continually of taking you with me, but I do think perhaps there is hope, even with the loss of a mother, for you to have Salvation, even if I have failed to set an example for you of how that would work. Please do not abandon your faith over my mistakes, or, those of your father. I know you will think "that is easy for you to say, you did not stay around for us." I want to try to explain to you what happened to me, so that you understand that for me in particular, I could not go on, even though loving you more than anything in this world.
I want you to understand that growing up, I didn't really want much more than love in a family. I do not blame your grandparents, but, I did not grow up feeling loved. Once they had my younger sister, God bless her, because of issues in their own lives, because of their own stresses, the damage in their own upbringing, and perhaps the exhaustion of working around the clock to provide for us in a hostile country, they just didn't have much love left for me. I will not lie to you in that I am the least emotionally strong person in our family. I had academic success, but not with emotional strength and resiliency. Nikki, I see the same trends in you. I fear you are so much like me, it scares me how much like me you are. I had hoped you would not be like me in all ways. I had hoped you would obtain from your father that stolid emotional resilience that is necessary for survival in this world.
In an effort to protect you from the bullying and emotional invalidation and despair I felt through my entire childhood and young adult life, I thought I would surely turn from everything, even a second income, to provide you with a loving cloister from all pain. I know you don't have the videos but, though you may feel unloved by my actions, and my failure, and that hurts me though I no longer have the strength to go on, I want you to know that this is all I did for years in my life. Hold you in my lap, teach you numbers and letters that you might have an educational advantage. So that you might never feel "behind" as I did in college, where I could not succeed with people who tested at the same SAT score I did, where I was always left thinking "perhaps with more work in my childhood, I could be as successful as these other engineers here." My parents told me to work harder when I was your age, but I felt small and alone, and like I could not do it. I wanted to be there for you as your dearest friend, to help make things fun for you, to make it into a game, to carefully structure your success, so that you would succeed where we failed. I want you to know I never loved you because of your success or lack thereof; it hurt my heart when you couldn't read early, after so much phenomenal progress when you were 18 months old, like a little genius with a memory of gold, reciting whole books and sounding out all the letters correctly - something I could not imagine any child could do at your age - with full understanding of numbers. I do believe you are somewhat of a genius, even if the reading never came about - because of your dyslexia mostly. I did not realize that you my poor baby were dyslexic and far sighted. Anyway, forget about the reading, it's not important. I want you to understand that the only reason I wanted you to read or have an education at all was so that you wouldn't suffer as I did in college. Not for the vanity of being the best. Not for some kind of need of mine to have you do anything for me. I loved you with a love I can no longer feel, but that was the strongest thing I've ever experienced. My entire goal since you were born was to prevent your suffering.
Willy, and Annie, I do not want to think anything was different for you, even though I am talking first of all about your brother. I focus on him because right now he wants to die as well from my poor parenting, because he feels unloved, because he is so much like me. I do not have favorites among you. He has the curse of inheriting my emotional weakness; I hope greatly that the both of you will not. Please don't ever look down on or blame your brother for any of this. It is not from any of you that this has happened to me.
Nikki, Willy, and Annie. I want you to understand that I married your father primarily in the hopes that his emotional stability and good looks would balance out with my emotional instability and math and other such mostly useless to me (but perhaps not to the world), skills - and that between his visual memory and my verbal one, between his complete emotional grounding, and my complete over-emotion, we might between the both of us have not only beautiful children, but intelligent ones too. You are all exquisite, and I do not love you any less despite not being able to go on. Willy and Annie, it could be that you are more like your father; praise God if that is the case, you might have a better chance of a long life in this world than any of us, for the reason that you might be "harder" in the world. I know you are both very emotional and loving and beautiful - that is not what I am saying; I am saying take after your father and handle life better than I did. Help your older brother, because I know he loves you like I do, and more, and he will need your lifelong friendship. Don't fall apart like my own nuclear family did. You can ask your father about what happened to our family; please avoid the same mistakes we did. This is my hope with this letter. That you know you are loved, and that you learn from my mistakes.
Willy and Annie, I had you after having your brother and having what I felt was like "the best thing in my life". Annie, I want you to understand that, in this world, there is nothing better than children. I know you will want more than anything to have children. I know it because you are my daughter, and most women feel this way. I will not lie to you in that, there is no satisfaction you could have in any job in this world or any joy that compares to being a loved wife and a mother. But I worry for you. I worry for you because of what has happened to me. I have seen other women have great lives with many children and recovering quickly from mental illness. But I will not lie to you in that, for reasons I don't fully understand, I do feel, at least at this present time, our family is cursed. You will have the greatest joy in your life having children, and let no one fool you that anything is more valuable in this world for a woman, but - this might just be more ammunition for the devil to shred away even that last happiness from you.
For me, even despite an awful childhood, and a horrible college experience (though some might eventually call it successful, and though if you ever are interested, you can see that I did ultimately, in the eyes of the world "succeed" per my resume) - I was given a beautiful period of time after I graduated, when I was married with your father, and we had all of you. There were other problems, your father knows what we went through with the wedding and the house pertaining the rest of the family, and there were other things like your great grandfather passing - but, not outside the realm of normal of what other people go through. I want you to know I had for several years there outstanding happiness. In Peoria we would go to Kindermusik with you, and the museum. We would do little classes and go to the PlayHouse. It was the happiest thing in my life watching you grow and develop. We would go to the zoo a lot too. My greatest fears always centered around your childhood, failing you, letting anyone hurt you, causing you the least bit of a setback.
The horror of what has happened in my life overwhelms me. The complete loss of my ability to parent you has undone me. The complete loss of an ability to socially integrate you with friends, and a happy, protected life, to fail and fail you so greatly, makes it impossible for me to go on. I want you to understand that maybe this could have been prevented. I want you to think about my mistakes and not repeat them, because, it might not be too late for you.
It is difficult because I don't completely know what my mistakes were, I am guessing at them. But, needless to say they must have been grievous to get to this state. I want you to know that despite what has happened to me, there is no record of family history of schizophrenia in our family. I am the only one. Your grandparents have a damaged condition of narcissistic tendencies, and your grandmother has a bit of paranoia, and your grandfather a bit of over-competitiveness and harshness from his own childhood damage, and you might notice this if you come in lasting contact with them - though, do not blame them, you will sadly see that in life, very few people emerge into old age without severe mental problems (if they have higher intelligence). Although some do Nikki (and Willy and Annie!) I will talk more about that a little later. But, it is important not to blame people, because if the devil uses one another against each other, it is only he that wins in all of this. Nevertheless I want to forwarn you, if you live with them, while forgiving them, do not take what they may say against you personally. I had hoped to shield you from the sickness that sometimes wells up in them, but, with horror, I find permutations of it welling up in me at times. There was a homeless girl that through my own illness I dehumanized and accused of having satan live within her. This is how badly my schizophrenia was with me. Your grandmother said similar things to me, leading me to believe the demons that have accosted me must have always been with our family. I know this is disheartening, but I believe they are passing down generation to generation. I do not know this to be the case, but, the evidence seems to be there. I want to outline for you the family curses we have, in the hopes that by doing so you can avoid them.
In our family we tend to have a curse for the women of some man coming around before they are married, wooing them with intelligence and false promises in some kind of charlatan effect, and destroying their virginity. I did fall in love with two such people before your father. They are not important in and of themselves. I love your father and he, despite his flaws, is the best and most worthy man of marriage I know. But, I want you all to watch out for Annie. This trend has happened not just to me, but also to my grandmother. It may skip generations. Perhaps it will skip you, but, I don't know. That's how it destroys women in our family. I love your great grandfather, but he could never live down the fact that your great grandmother wasn't a virgin. Boys, please don't do this to your wives, even though I do hope you marry as yourselves virgins and your wives, for your own sake. It destroys a woman to lose her virginity before marriage, and it makes the rest of her life hard to live. Boys, please do not become the kind of men who loosely engage in sexual relations with other women. Annie, please do not trust any man until you are married. I want you to realize that some men will lie to the point of professing lifelong devotion, and even producing rings, and great statements of intended weddings - it's outrageous the lengths they will go through simply to destroy a woman, simply as a sexual conquest. I know you are probably too young to understand this, but it is absolutely necessary that you do so. I do not want any of you reliving our worst mistakes.
We have other curses too. I want to go through all of these for you. We have in our family the curses of materialism, alcoholism, sloth, early maternal death, self pity, anger, narcissism, impatience, condescension, elitism, gluttony, pride, and idolatry. And judgementalness, obviously. Depression, and over-concern with bodily appearances, and over competitiveness and defeatism (different sides of the family). This may sound like a generic list of "sin" but, I think there are actually specific demons that occupy our bodies generation from generation perhaps motivating these things. The trends are just so overwhelmingly there from generation to generation in our family, that I wanted to forewarn you, even though I feel helpless to help you avoid them beyond warning you of them in this letter. I do think all of these things can be overcome, and I wanted to mention to you a few things we experienced in our life that God helped us overcome.
In my side of the family there is rank materialism, and everybody competes to be the most rich person. It's completely an abomination compared to how we are supposed to live by the Bible, but it isn't specific to my parents alone - it's this entire nation. In our family, it's especially bad, and blind to themselves, the devil preys on us by throwing out empty academic and monetary awards that in no way lead us to a fulfilling life in Christ. There are many people with such successes that are not soul-impacted by them, but in our family, it has led to a total destruction of the soul - and it does do that - putting people against people telling them they are "better" if they achieve something, and then prompting them to hurt others when they "win". It's not just our family but this predatory world. I thought we could establish something here outside of this system, but, unfortunately we lost God's protection along the way. I will write more about that later, but I do not think it is lost for you. We also have the gluttony issue on both sides. People heartlessly kill the animals and eat the fat and flesh outside of animal sacrifices to God, in both sides of the family. The feasts in our family never involve homeless people like it says to in the Bible. Our family is entirely disconnected from the God of all compassion. If you live with our family for any length of time, you will sadly see this first hand. You will see people pridefully putting others down inside even our own family, siblings competing with siblings, people condescending to others in their time of greatest need, callousness during the worst emotional times, and then rank idolatry and devotion to the sick idols of this world - oversexualized female bodies and appearance based value systems, excessive parties, adherence to awards given by the world, not by God, and on both sides of the family, atheism or Christianity only in name. We have this in our family children, and, it was our hope to establish something better for you. Mine anyway. Because I have seen the effects of these sins on a family.
At one point God helped us overcome many things. Your father was the first one to go to college in his family, and though he has been addicted to card games his entire life, he made great progress in limiting that, even though it plagued his entire life. He seemed to overcome the defeatism running in his family, and he did well on the job for a while. I really believe the entirety of his struggles come from the video game addiction and his denial of God's authority in his life. He is Christian, but not fully; he doesn't really believe in the Bible, and I don't know that he has a saving faith. I don't say this with the express purpose to judge him. Like everyone in our family, I pity him, and I feel helpless to help him especially on the latter issue, which does seem to be something of a personal choice. The video game addiction, as all sin, surely stems from his rejection of Christ as his Lord and Savior. And the sad thing is, I think for him, he still has a real chance. Just as you, my children, still have real chances.
I want to talk less about what is happening in our family, and, while I know covetousness is a sin, I do not regard it to be covetousness to simply tell you that there are Christian families I have seen with my own eyes that have been freed by Christ from many of their families sins. As an aside, we too have had some of these; I could have become alcoholic using this as a crutch as many, many people in our family do, and your father could have wholesale become alcoholic as his poor father has become. He is the only teetotaler in his family that I know of, on the male side, apart maybe your great uncle Kenneth (a wonderful person by my estimation). But there was a family we knew of in Peoria, and actually, perhaps many such families around the world - where they live a Christ centered life, have peaceful, loving, orderly, structured homes and do not suffer a myriad of emotional and financial problems as the rest of the world does. There are even poorer families than them that do not have a lot but still live equally beautiful lives before God. There are people who are really free from all of these plagues. I want such a life for you.
Originally my intent was to join a church, and suffuse you with a strong community such as this. Unfortunately, I think because of my own mental illness, I was not able to effectively join a church for you. I read a lot of what the Restored Church of God wrote about the rank materialism and paganism of holidays, and, I read about their perspective on killing people via the military (which is a terrible organization, it would break my dead heart if any of you were to join such a thing) - and I agree with them on all the points they brought up, except their stance was to do nothing for the world. I don't think we should do nothing as Christians. But I don't think we are supposed to do idolatry either. Maybe that's even a phone, I don't know. I never made it as a Christian, but I believe in the ideal. I think, you, all three of you, are idealists by birth. I don't know yet if it's true for Willy and Annie, but, you Nikki, are just like me. Please don't let the fact that my sin prevented me from accomplishing what is right deter you from doing what is right, because that would basically be giving my murderers the victory.
I know that will strike you as a strange phrase "my murderers" but, in effect, that's basically what I am dealing with. I believe sin somehow removes God's protection from us, if grievous enough, and sadly, my sins were grievous enough. It's true that God forgives and heals, but, sadly not always. Or maybe it's that there are consequences, and, some people just aren't capable of handling God's consequences. I am one in the "not able to handle" God's consequences. So I wanted you to understand what led for this for me, and how my life was not always like this, in the hopes that maybe you can avoid a similar disastrous fate.
My guess as to what happened is that I failed to credit God with the successes in my life, questioned him, was suicidal earlier in that, I simply wanted to know Him personally, and hear from Him personally, and have the "saved" relationship many of my peers had. I didn't realize the only way was prayer and obedience to His commandments. I believed some lies some people told me about how they had near death experiences, and how great it was for them, and then others talked about such wonderful experiences with drugs. I didn't want to do drugs but, in desperation reading about wars and the enormity of human suffering, I thought, "if I could just imagine an altered state for a little bit, I could imagine that the whole Bible was true". For some reason, I felt like I needed this "subjective" experience to believe that the Bible was true. So I did this wretched thing called Salvia divinorum, 20X. It was a very bad mistake. All that happened is I flattened into a half pancake, and had a massive anxiety attack. Then a month later I had a hallucination where a dark being blew something into my body. From there, the schizophrenia started. But, I will say this all happened the day before I did the Salvia...the schizophrenia possibly. Because I thought a frog had written the letter G, for God I assumed, on the window, and I went to this website called BlahTherapy, where a person seemed to "coincidentally" be talking about my grandfather, and the number 69, and other symbolic things; it was the first "coincidence", and everything got worse from there. I had previously been reading about gnosticism, and had started the process of going vegan from the belief, which I still feel is correct, that it is unmerciful to kill animals and that turning from this sin is important. But I read a lot of websites questioning the Bible, and especially Paul's writings, and there were statements made that meditation, and sexual things were part of worship and other things were written there - that the New Testament was modified by a circus prostitute and an emperor - things that on the surface seemed plausible. It was all a deception I feel now. I started, perhaps, placing my faith in random people claiming to be following Jesus online, even when I saw that some of their actions did not align in some cases with the words of Christ. I remember there was a person who said they were going to be raptured, hoping that, even though I didn't have a personal relationship with Christ, that that person could save me once he was saved but, it was probably all a faithless abomination. I am not the most robust person at discerning lies in others because I do not lie well. I did lie yesterday twice though, about being male to some random chatters online. I did this thinking, what do I have to lose, and because I was offput by the continual sexual nature of the chat (there are almost no people to talk with on chatrooms who are decent to women). I was in there because of some sinful addiction to be sure - I don't even know why I go on chatrooms. Perhaps it is because I am completely lonely and sometimes writing out my problems helps. And my problems are beyond what I can handle in every regard.
I wanted to tell you though that before I did that drug, things were not so bad. I believe it may have launched the start of my schizophrenia, though I think that is just a nice label for demonic possession. Because a few days before that I had written a letter in exasperation to Mike, my best friend, kind of out of character for me, venting to him whether reincarnation were really real, and if I had to go through 69 births or something before I would be forgiven for my sins (birthing you being the highest pain I have experienced physically in my life) - and also venting to him that if God's way was all these wars and pain and heartache (as there is so much pain and heartache in the world), that I would worship the devil. I think I said this in anger and lack of comprehension. But regardless why I said it, together with the Gnosticism, idolatry, and finally the drug usage, where, I involved the Bible hoping still that God would show me that it was real personally (I had hoped in a gentle way, but, that did not happen) - so I prayed on the Bible before I did it - probably another abomination because it is sorcery - so, you see children, I had an active role in my undoing, the whole time unaware of the dire consequences that were to come about from it. I went into a psychotic state that was terrible beyond words - where ever sign and every printed thing seemed to be personally criticizing me, and I felt I had to do things - bizarre things - to prove my loyalty to God, and, that aspect still is there. Everything from radio commentaries to things in the store to numbers at one point, everything pressed down on me with a crushing weight and every time I opened the Bible it had something to do with it. I prayed to Jesus and I feel like it was partially alleviated, but, it has not entirely gone. And worse, my vision is destroyed; I do not know if time is moving more quickly, or what, but I have "Salvia vision" which, in my opinion, is a sad way of saying that there is a demon actually affecting me so badly it literally affects even my vision. We know from the Bible that demons go into people, and satan even went into Peter. It is the terrible state of this world, but I imagine we are complicit in it. Previous to this experience I felt like I could overcome sin, it seemed like just a volitional turning away from. I turned away from what I thought were idle and narcissistic time investments - Facebook, places where people take pictures of themselves, etc. etc., even things that seem minor like masturbation and other such things. I tried with what I feel was a full sincerity to follow after God.
I still don't know why I haven't managed to properly repent. I really do believe in most circumstances, if a person repents of their sins wholeheartedly, Christ does forgive them. I know in the case of David there were still consequences for his sin, but I feel that in that case he was a king and he knew God already personally, and he was an example to everyone. He was not a nobody like myself. So perhaps God was especially hard on him. But for me, I feel that, as for many of the rest of us, sin can be overcome through Christ.
Children, I want you to understand that sadly, in my case, perhaps because of the amalgam of what I said and did in those few months nearly 2 years ago now, and perhaps because of some "demonic right" that comes from drug usage, God has not accepted my repentance. What can I say, that God is unjust? God is just and, unfortunately for me, has justly rejected me. Given that this has happened, though I love you deeply, I think of the situation and I cannot see a reason for continued living. For me, my faith was not a side thing but the only thing that I feel was worth living for. My hopes for the Salvia usage had been to put God first in all of things, and to teach you to do so, and to structure our entire lives in a holy worship of him with our every effort. I was so thankful for the first few moments out of the drug trip, I felt certain Jesus himself had saved me when I called out to Him. However, the next 1 1/2 years were a hell I could not have imagined. I can honestly say it would have been better had someone killed me that day. And every day that passes I increasingly think "if only I could have died yesterday". I understand this will sound ungrateful, and unChristian, but, nobody else knows what it is like to be under demon possession. I cannot read things without "typos" that are not typos but full phrases, and directed messages at me, and with a lifetime of mental illness. I feel lately that the demons are going into Nikki, and corrupting him. I honestly think this is happening because we have failed to raise him with a reverence for God and God's ways, despite what I thought was our best effort. I fear the demons are getting into our home through our godless entertainment - the video games or, perhaps other such disgusting things. Or maybe it's simply that because of my actions, our entire hedge of protection is removed. Only God can protect us from these things, and I have lost even the little love from Him that I once was aware of having. My life seems to be this general progression of going from bad to worse, the whole time thinking I am heading towards an improved state. I will say that there was an improved state there for several years after the birth of my children, but, the schizophrenia is more than I can bear - more, I think, than anyone can bear without Christ. And I feel very much I have been abandoned here now, and that I am alone. What to do with this? I keep thinking, I need to turn more sincerely to God. As you know from your father by now, I suspect, I did try, in a desperate last resort, to do all the works I could think of. I gave away all of my money, probably even some of your father's, past what we could handle. I thought, God calls for a fast involving taking care of the poor and homeless. Though I failed with the one homeless person we brought into our home, I did try to do the best I could with the others that we reached out to. For the past year and a half I feel I have been doing nothing but trying to repent in every way I can think of. But, I start to realize, it has come to nothing. It started, I guess, too late. Every day I feel I think, if only I could have done all this before doing the Salvia, before losing my mind, before exploring the gnosticism and fallen ideologies, before angering God. I pray, briefly, I've tried to fast. I've tried to observe the Sabbath, in case that is still important - it appears to be one of the 10 commandments. I've tried to abstain from all meats and killing things unmercifully. I've tried even to abstain from all the "holidays" of the world in case a Valentine's day card, with all of its rank paganism and materialism, should prove something offensive to God. I've tried, with all my heart, to find a church that might lead me and guide me with the full veracity of truth, and uncompromising adherence to God's standards, but also with mercy and generosity and love to the poor; I haven't found any such "perfect" churches. But I tried in a limited way to help the one I found. I've tried not to ignore the multitude of homeless beggars by the side of the road, whether or not they also were in their own sins. I've tried my best to forgive those who have wronged me, including the hospital that subjected me initially to a false cps investigation and tried to drug my daughter. Including the neighbor whose dog raped my own and who uses heavy duty chemicals. Including my parents despite when they told me that I was satan and should go to hell and have every one of my bones broken, because my daughter fell off a chair. I've tried. I've tried to be a supportive wife and to still keep the Sabbath even when my husband ridicules me for it. I thought, "all a person has to do in this life is follow God's rules, beg Him for forgiveness, sincerely repent, and everything can be healed and everything will get better." I still think generally, this is the case. But I know that a sound mind isn't the fruit of the spirit. And, sadly, though I wanted to be otherwise, I feel I am simply just a vessel of wrath. My only purpose perhaps in all of this is to showcase for others God's wrath on unbelief. It was unbelief or questioning that led me to do the Salvia and other fallen ideologies; and now, I feel, there is no getting out of it. I don't question that God can save; I just feel in my case, He no longer cares to.
I do have some solace, my one solace in all of this. That the demons that are residing in me will lose their home. Whenever they talk to me they always seem to not want me to kill myself. I think the reason for this is not mercy at all, but, I think they can see that God has decided not to save me from this, and, that the longer I stay alive, the longer they have access to hurting people through me, and to pleasure of living in a body. When my body dies, at least, they will be homeless. But children, I wanted to warn you about them because I see that they just lurk around waiting for us to make irrevocable mistakes. I don't want them to cause you pain while you are here on Earth. It is my hope therefore that your father makes known to you the contents of this letter, so that you can be forewarned and avoid sinning against God and giving them entry to hurt you. The worst hurts are not from without (persecution), but from within; if you are sinless on the inside it scarcely matters what the world does to you. And if you are hopelessly corrupt on the inside, and you lose even the chance to be with God, what then? I hope this question doesn't become a circumstance for you.
But I wanted to tell you I am not entirely without hope. I still believe Christ is Lord of the world, and of heaven. I know my judgement will not go well having died in my sin. It may be that I will perish in the second death, but, it may simply be that I will have no reward. I don't know. Already my life is like a living hell, though hell is probably worse than this. But is my life better than a second death? I don't know. At least in death there are no demons. And it may be that despite all my sins...as Jesus says "all manner of sins will be forgiven". So perhaps after death, maybe after a blood restitution has been made for whatever sins I have, then I will be forgiven. I don't know what sort of punishment I will have to go through, but, though it is ungrateful to say, I feel that the entirety of my life has been its own sort of punishment (outside those few years with you). But perhaps it will be just to add punishment to punishment, I don't know. I suppose living with Christ would be worth punishment and more punishment. But, if it turns out to be a second death, I feel, I am ready for a cessation. Even though I love all of you extremely deeply, the pain in my life has gotten higher than either what I can do for Christ living here, and even my fear of being terminated in an actual burning fire. Not that I am thrilled or happy to think of this end, but it may be that that is where I am headed anyway. Why prolong my life here and then experience further torture additionally?
I know you will think "for us Mom", but, it's not so simple children. I really feel that the reason things are going poorly for any of you may have to do with me, with what I have let into our home by my mistake. If I pass away, it may be that the demons will have no more right to stay here around you, destroying your very souls. It may be that God's wrath will be appeased, and your father can start finding a better Mom and rebuilding your lives into a more beautiful, composite whole. I know there are Christian women out there who could raise you far, far better than I have been doing the past 2 years. I want you to know I have tried to just "make it work" for your sakes; but everything is cursed. Nothing leads to positive developments, because "unless the Lord builds a house" it does not stand.
But children I don't want you to lose hope, because you are not doomed to repeat my mistakes. No child dies for the sins of their fathers, we die in our own sin. You are beautiful, loved by God, clean slates. I have loved you a lot, there is nothing else to say. Please develop a love for God, help your father to as well; my greatest hope is that all of you make it to heaven. I wish I could have assisted you in the process but, I have become as your father described my mother, I have become "poison" unwittingly. Forgive the mentally ill children. They are just victims of this world. I love you and if by any chance I make it to heaven, I will do all I can for you from there. If you decide to suicide yourselves as a group, I would understand. If you feel strong enough in Christ to make it through this world and do something for Him here, I would be even prouder.
I am sorry I brought you into this world. When I did, I was in different circumstances. I love you and you will always be my babies. I am sorry I brought you here to keep me company. I understand if you never want to have children of your own, but I also understand if you do. Celibate people can sometimes be the most important workers for God. It may be better to be celibate because, this world is getting increasingly worse. I love you and I am sorry I selfishly had you without thinking of the consequences.
