Is God angry with me or not? This question seems to underpin my entire existence. I just can't tell. I can't tell whether my past mistakes have now precluded me from any possibility of being right with Him, and I am now locked in a downward spiral of wrath, or, if part of this is from Him, and that I should then respond wholeheartedly.
I think about things. I think about things in that book about the schizophrenic person. A lot of it seems legitimate, and then I think, who would make such a thing up? But then there are some curious aspects to it, some real red flags. How could a genuinely Christian person filled with the Holy Spirit be perfectly fine with a movie kind of glorifying adultery like the preacher's wife? Or be yet concerned about financial investments well into old age - about vitamin supplements for health, while at the same time claiming a full reliance on God for all things, including, and especially healing? I guess there is a possibility here, that these things could go together. I just can't imagine any of the original apostles investing in vitamin pills. Why would anyone with the capacity of healing through prayer, albeit for a major illness like schizophrenia, suddenly be pouring out their investments into vitamin supplements? Not that these things are so bad, but...it's just curious. Maybe these are small things that have nothing to do with his story. Then the weird aspect about talking about his own life's disaster as something that could be a "hot" journalism story; it just seems so out of place. His children's lives and both of his wives suffered greatly; it would seem like the more natural response to all of this would be some sort of somber grief, not thinking "wow, my life makes such a great story!" The response seems oddly infantile, but, then again, this is just another human being. And his story may be true. Why would the devil put out such a story? What would the author stand to gain...well, except some money through the sale of his book, by lying? But I guess furthermore what would the devil have to gain by putting out such a book?
There were other things though too. It didn't seem as though there was any significant repentance, or contrition or anything. Maybe there doesn't have to be for healing. But it's curious. When Jesus healed people he said "your sins are forgiven". The guy continues to act as though schizophrenia was just some kind of disease that sort of just happened, outside of any kind of sin accumulation. And I think about this. The fact that there is an "onset" period...and that almost no child is born with this, so it seems...could that not be indicative that it is some kind of choices associated with it that cause this form of demonic expression?
I don't know for him, but, I guess for me, I don't have to look too far back. I was deluded about it, but, I can see how all of it corresponds to around when I turned 32, not that number in particular, but the activities I started focusing on, that I didn't even think could be dishonoring to God at the time...that I thought were simply seeking Him, but, not really in and through the Bible primarily. I guess I was seeking understanding from others who I assumed knew Him better, and somehow, it went terribly wrong. I guess I started going through different fallen ideologies trying to make some sense out of my life, and the horrible suffering I would read about, and, I should have obviously read the bible and prayed retrospectively, but, I don't know, I don't know why I didn't, I wasn't sure at the time that it too wasn't some kind of lie perpetuated by the Jewish people for their own personal profit. Somehow, part of me thought this could be legitimate, and also from a poor and incomprehensive reading, and this led to worse and worse things, culminating in the drug usage. So for me it's not such a great question of, whyever did this happen? Or, "perhaps I was born with this innate predisposition for demonic possession" etc. etc. I suppose if I ever wrote a book it would go something like "I had a chance for a great relationship with the Lord, and then, at 32, here are the catastrophically stupid mistakes by which I brought the worst of demonic activity into my life." I'm not sure what use such a book would have for anyone, but I would not be too proud to write such a thing were it helpful for others. It's just this aspect seems curiously entirely missing from this other schizophrenic's book. He vaguely mentions "spirit of religion", but, this is very vague.
It's hard for me to discern..."spirit of rejection", "spirit of religion", "spirit of suicide", from actually legitimate responses to some of the things God said in the Bible. Would anyone accuse the Ninevites of feeling "a spirit of rejection" when God announced that he was going to destroy their city unless they repented? Would this not be just a normal response to "oh, we have completely screwed up and need to change" - and would they not legitimately feel some kind of "rejection"? Would it be impossible for Cain to have felt somewhat "rejected" upon the news that he was going to get punished for life for his sins? Was the garden of Eden something completely separate from a "rejection" of sorts? Is rejection a concept entirely foreign to the same Bible that says "depart from me I never knew you"? Can anyone say they are entirely immune to the fear of being rejected by God? I understand how a spirit of rejection could undermine someone from perhaps necessarily stating things to other people, or, from standing up for what is right, or hurting someone in some human romantic relationships, or human relationships...certainly a person could suffer from a spirit of rejection there. But, where is the line between legitimate fear of God and fear of God's rejection, and a cavalier and perhaps reckless "certainty" that, "it's all good, I don't suffer from the spirit of rejection." This is a confusing blur to me. However Jesus did say "I will never leave you or forsake you." It's hopefully a broad application to all Christians, though, he was very clearly referring to the small group He was there talking too; I guess it is every Christian's hope that such statements also apply to them. It is also confusing to me...this "spirit of religion", when Jesus Himself said "depart from me you workers of lawlessness". How exactly could someone follow Jesus without being, to some very real and discernable degree "law-obsessed" and religious? I mean it's God that gave the law, and the things He states are perfect and good for instruction; so then, I don't understand what this spirit of religion is. I guess it could be feeling justified by following the law and alienating other people imagining oneself to be something in the eyes of God for following it above other people; but this would seem to me to be more of a spirit of pride, rather than religion. I guess I could also see where a person would confuse the "less weighty" laws while violating the "more weighty" laws, in some kind of legalistic manner...but this again is confusing, all the laws seemingly could be important, and there would ideally be a way to keep them all, especially as God says believers will "return to me and keep all of my commandments". I don't know how a person with a low view on religion could just overlook that. It is true that it is said His commandments are but a shadow of things to come, and that we are not "under the law" but...again, this is all very confusing. I never understood this part, and, maybe this simply means that God knows we might be trespassing against certain points in the law, and to remember that we need mercy and that we therefore need to forgive others. But the man spent very little going over how "spirit of religion" affected him personally. And that also of course brings up the "spirit of suicide"; I don't know how to discern here between this and a legitimate feeling that one has irrevocably screwed up with God. I guess perhaps its because in many cases very few people irrevocably screwed up. Would anyone say of Judas...oh, he just had a spirit of suicide? I don't think many people would come to that conclusion from the story. What other logical conclusion would there be to a feeling of having completely failed with God than a spirit of suicide? I guess it probably has to do with God being forgiving. And I guess in this my entire hope rests. I do think on the fact that Paul, in his deluded state, murdered people, and Christians. So then this seems very grievous, perhaps even more than listening to some fools on the internet or evil people, and even doing a drug subsequently while holding the Bible; I guess it's not much solace to say "at least I didn't kill anyone", because, I have paid for the murder of many animals, so, in a way, I have that as well. But, it is some solace in all of this that even murderers were forgiven, though perhaps they still had some lifelong consequences. David still had physical obsession with women all the way to his grave, and a horrible decline for the last 12 years following his transgression. But we are told that God did forgive him and that he will be in heaven and saved. So even though he managed to completely destroy the rest of his life, and his children's, which is horrific, at least God was merciful enough to save his soul.
So this is where the hope is. Even if I irredeemably ruined my present life in terms of my mental health, and vision, and productivity, and everything, at least God might still save my soul; I could still hopefully make it into the resurrection of the Just, even without being fully in Christ as in, having the Holy Spirit, and being completely free of condemnation. Maybe I somehow screwed up that possibility, but we know still there is a resurrection of the just and unjust, and maybe with an attempt at following God as best I can in repentance, maybe I could still make it into the just resurrection, and after some sort of judgment and punishment, be right with Him for eternity. This is the hope.
But of course that "seems" like it's a long way off, and while I am concerned about this, this "right living" with God, obviously becomes very difficult with mental illness, and especially without the guiding of the Holy spirit. I do wonder how this guy jumped to the conclusion, amidst all the voices talking to him, that God Himself was somehow talking to him. He seems to say this with absolute certainty, even after openly stating that other voices were telling him a variety of things. I guess maybe he just "knew", but sadly for me, nothing is so clear at this moment. I am going basically by what is written in the Bible as my sole guide, although I see a lot of coincidences. I cannot be certain of their source at the moment. I see the coincidences and I try to hope that they are from God, but, ultimately, my life at present does not seem to be that of an outstanding Christian person, but rather one of a person who has really crapped up and is trying to get on stable footing. I cannot carte-blanche assume God is talking to me, or assume the best case scenario here.
However, I have the Bible, and though I read continually extremely scary passages about God being furiously angry at people, and though I always wonder in the back of my mind..."is our lifestyle offensive to God, are the total net sum of our choices offensive to Him, is He presently angry with us?" - though this is a constant thought, I do read the more benevolent passages about Him being an ever present help, caring, being compassionate, tender hearted, and about Jesus forgiving a wide variety of people, and not forsaking people who come to Him. So there are these passages too.
I guess I think about a lot of things. Self preservation has come up a lot. If a person is really right with God, and this seems to be a big "if", then, one shouldn't be thinking about self preservation at all. This seems to just logically follow. If one says "I believe God is 'on my side' and has my back in all things", then, it would seem to logically follow that one would not invest basically anything into "protecting oneself" because God would be their protector. I don't know where this gets into testing God or not. I read about this Coronavirus, and the mad dash for tissue paper, and the social isolation strategies, etc. I think about disease in general. Obviously it would be testing God to go and participate in some kind of sexual activities whereby one would contract a disease and then say "okay, I'm dying now God, save me." I see how that is testing God. But, living in fear in one's home and not going out and helping people, and worse, hoarding tissue paper as the weapon of choice against the virus...it's...insanity. I don't know, my desire to self preserve has gone down a lot. And I guess Chris sees this reflected in our budget and also in the risks I take. To a large degree I often think "if God wants me to perish, then, perhaps I should." It is hard for me to want to invest in protective things over time, as I used to, because part of me...is it that part of me doesn't care anymore? I don't know. It's partially that I feel ...I don't know.
I think a lot of things. I think, for example, if God were really talking with me, if the promises Jesus extended in the Bible were really applicable to me. Then, would I care for any quality of life in retirement? Would I actively save up for anything? Would there be something I would "hold back" in that instance? Would I care to horde any money at all? I guess the answer is no, and even more of a resounding no in the face of seeing people starving all over the world. But this is easier said then done and I understand Chris' position. He talks about starving babies, and famine, and all of this, and, indeed I cannot qualify why God would protect me whereas not them, and indeed there is no such qualification that can be made as I profoundly do not believe I am "more special" than anyone. But I also think...401Ks, so clearly unreliable anyway. I see that there are perfectly good public facilities for aged old people. I do not mind dying in a smoke filled one bedroom apartment in a ghetto. I have no great plans for retirement, no great attachment to this over and above the thought that maybe by my investments, despite the compendium of sin thus far, maybe it could make God happy, at least this limited aspect, this aspect that seems "cannot be wrong", even if done by an overall evil or otherwise unworthy person. The act of giving itself is worthy, and, the act of alleviating the suffering itself is inherently pure, even if done by us. I would rather die having given over the course of our whole lifetime than to have a very comfortable retirement, or a retirement at all.
But I know we differ on this, and it is a marked difference from how we first established our marriage. It is not that I cannot budget, it is that I choose not to. But, Chris is asking me to do it, so there is the other confusing part.
I have been lying to him by not mentioning the humanitarian giving I've done, and we keep differing on this 20% versus 10%. At least he wants to do 10%.
I do think of our responsibilities to the children. I would like to put them through college. Perhaps it's insane to say "I don't care if I die from the coronavirus, but, I want to save for my children's college". I realize there's some strange hypocrisy there. I am not a fan of anything that happens on a college campus to a large extent, but, at the same time I don't want the children to suffer impoverishment from lack of educational investment. Nor do I want to test God by saying "I'm not going to invest anything into educating them, make them Noble laureates". There may be something to what one sows one reaps.
Nevertheless investing in their education to a disproportionate degree...seems like it in itself could be an offense to God. Knowing that private school costs 10K per child, and that poor people's children are lining up at soup kitchens not even having a bag of rice and beans...this...it seems unconscionable to even invest in this education, even as, I see it supports a principle, teachers, a community, and is a sustaining investment that pays rewards later. I am very confused how this adds up though. If I say "I don't care that the public schools are crap, I've got my child in a private school" ...this is inherently a me-first attitude, and not a serving one. But if I say, "I'm going to send my own child to that crappy public school, where people will spit on them, bully them, and possibly educate them in the filth of the world"...then, what have I done? Have I done something commendable?
This is where we arrive at homeschooling, which seems to be the most ideal situation. But it seems to be delaying the inevitable. At some point we would have to make the choice between sending the children to public and private school. Private school does frequently require savings, or what we have effectively done is make our own children debt slaves in an attempt to honor God. I guess the question is if God would ever allow such an attempt to be that poorly rewarded. I don't know. Because I don't know how we stand with God anyway, or kneel, or anything. If God is angry with us we could give every last penny and it wouldn't matter. And yet, would God be perpetually angry with us for our foolish adherence to some stupidities? When neither one of us profess faith in any other God, though admittedly we do have these distracting electronics, and I have this drug usage behind me too.
I don't know. I think about it. What's testing God, and what's a right investment.
I still think we could donate 20%, save 20%, and live on the remaining 40% after taxes. Why would we struggle to live on 40K? What exactly even is that...that's 3,333 a month. I guess because of healthcare that is 1,275 a month. How much do we even really need a month.
Well, I guess between car insurance, taxes, mortgage, water, trash, electricity, food, clothing, and internet, that is 30,600 about a year. Plus 18K for healthcare, that's 48,500.
So this would actually just leave the 18,000 as our 10% contribution to give away. I guess because of healthcare, we would have no ability to save for our children's college anyway.
I guess that resolves that.
