I've been thinking about things. Perhaps I shouldn't say anything. Perhaps my thoughts are wrong on these topics, isolating, divisive. And yet, if I am right, then, it would be immoral to stay quiet on some level. If it is true what is happening to the animals, then it seems immoral to stay quiet. If it is true that we are spending too much on consumerism, it is wrong to stay quiet, and to passively continue. If God truly hates sports, then it is wrong to stay quiet. If he hates Christmas or pagan ideology mixed with worship of Him, then it is wrong and unloving to stay quiet.
But if, on the other hand, God doesn't really care about paganism that is non-violent being mixed in with worship of Him, if, knowing Father Christmas doesn't exist, or Bacchus or any of that - if God simply doesn't care about this stuff, it seems like an outrageous and pointless thing to even bring it up with anyone. Then I could send my children to the Bible school and while they apparently would be learning little about the Bible - it wouldn't be a sin to have them participate in "harmless" entertainment - except of course the squanditure of money on the book. If God doesn't really care how women are dressed at sporting events, or about the sporting events themselves - if that is not His definition of idolatry, if God doesn't care about military involvement or lack thereof, if God doesn't care about the eating or not eating of animals at this present moment - if none of this is actually critical or even important, and if He doesn't care about how much money is wasted on empty buildings, then, perhaps it all doesn't matter and we can participate quietly like all the other Christians.
But my fear is always that He does care. And that is my fear - but I don't know from God that that is His desire. It seems like there was a problem with this sort of stuff in the Old Testament, but, perhaps it was different because of the violence and debauchery involved. Perhaps "paganism light" doesn't bother God - like the ridiculous yoga or Buddhism or something. But then again I read that God is a jealous God. Though I may be crazy I'd rather be crazy and lose out on all of life than be wrong and find out that God was furious with me the whole time. I don't want to endlessly focus on it though. If these pagan influences are all around me I should just ignore them. I would be more vocal about it I think if I definitively knew these things to be wrong. But as it stands I don't know, and I don't want to be needlessly divisive over what could be in my head. I fear I may have already said too much wrong - in case the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe truly is predominantly a Christian story. I don't know and I don't even want to risk it. But perhaps that's a summary of my whole life. Except this stupid drug I took. If only I could undo that. It seemed to me so critical that I do it to bolster my belief system at the time. I just wanted to feel like an altered state was possible so that I could adhere better but it was wrong - it too was a wrong action. I wish I could have just done a better job imagining an altered state without taking the drug itself.
Perhaps my father is right. Perhaps I need to work at some point. I don't want to be lazy before God, any lazier than I already am. Perhaps when the children are grown I will start then to try to re-enter the workforce. I will have no problem staying apart from the world - it is only critical for me right now that the children do so. Once they are through college and adults themselves, they will be able to see with their own adult eyes everything I have been trying to say to them. Hopefully they can integrate with some church without compromising their faith in God. Hopefully they can succeed unscathed in their beliefs despite my failures as a parent.
Then one day I can die with all my fears, and, I will have tried my best to follow Gods' commandments, even though it might have turned out as one confused disaster. Even if I die like the Pharisees, straining a gnat and losing the main focus, at least I will die like an honestly deluded Pharisee. Because unlike the Pharisees I am not really that interested in the outward appearance of things; no, my own bullshit terrifies me on a continual basis. So if it winds up to not be true, I guess I will just have to look back on judgement day and say "oh, damn, too bad I misunderstood everything, sorry about that God, at least you know I sincerely misunderstood everything, and I did not intentionally try to do anyone wrong."
That's basically all I probably will have at judgement day - a sincere desire to follow, however poorly implemented. I know I will need God's mercy and righteousness to save me because, clearly my life isn't some exemplar of success.
However, I no longer care that the rest of my life will be spent in this hoveled up anxiety, and state of semi-isolation. This is just my existence and I am not going to complain about it. I am thankful I am not on the street. I am thankful that I have a family that loves me despite my mental illness. I am thankful I can still cook and clean for the family, and maybe even one day financially do my part as well. I am sorry if I have pushed around the church people with my delusive hopes and dreams for an "ideal" implementation of some higher standard here on Earth. It really doesn't matter. I am a dying thing, I will die, I will pass out of this world, and like every other creature that attempts to worship God, I will have tried my best to worship Him "right". I will have applied my own blinded interpretation of what that means to His Word and surely, like everyone else, come up short some way or another.
I don't hate C.S Lewis. I don't hate the Baptists. I don't know what is right and wrong. All I know is I will certainly be alone for the rest of my life, and, it is ok.
No comments:
Post a Comment