Thoughts

 Even though in all honesty I would like to be the person formerly described, I realize that in my present circumstances, and given my emotional composition, this would be quite impossible for me. I'm not sure if it's because I am a woman, or if that is an excuse; or because I am emotional. Perhaps, it's the later. Also, I tend to actually be very poor at implementing things like a doctor would. A doctor has to be rather organized, highly impersonal in their emotional life, and very focused on what they are doing, mechanically, and obviously above all that they have to have a medical degree. The competitive ability to make it through medical school, which seems antithetical to the type of personality I am talking about anyway, but I am sure they would grudgingly participate in such systems as necessary evils. Whatever that is anyway, a necessary evil.

In the end I am well aware all a doctor can do is heal broken things in the body, or rather, position things such that healing can occur. And even if I were by some feat able to do all that, to get to the position of this doctor, in the end, I would face several added impediments, and I am not even referring to my children - how could I ever refer to them as an impediment? But even if I were to restart at 26 or whenever, and even if I were of some frigid emotional composition such that I could handle people dying on me constantly without flinching and remain dedicated to task, without feeling the need to blow my brains out to handle the pain of their family's sufferings - I would obviously face that other hurdle - that of continually passing out in the presence of cutting someone open, and no natural love of the thing itself - only the result of the thing - which would be healing. Of course I am sure that is overcomable.

More pertinently, I am an entirely poor fit for such a role, and I am certain I would collapse under such conditions, worse than I have collapsed in my far less demanding life. It is sort of like a janitor saying "I am having difficultly regularly cleaning up this trash on a regular basis, but here, let me try to quintuple my workload and see if that helps." We can all agree that such a doctor, with such a personality, if they were to exist, would be a truly admirable human being.

But dreams aside there is my reality.

Presently, I seem to have "derealization". At least that is what I think it is. It may be an offshoot of schizophrenia, I don't know. 

Furthermore, I'm not sure if it's some weakness in me, but, I seem to have female emotions, and all my life I have had feminine desires, which really have no place in this fantasy. What would look very stolid and impressive in a man, I don't know, might look sort of bizarre in a woman. I guess it could look just as admirable in a woman, but the woman would definitely be a more masculine, independent type of woman. I guess there are women like that too, and perhaps they are more admirable than me.

But I have to deal with the reality of who I am. 

Rising seemingly against this image of this independent, self-sacrificing martyr type of doctor, is an equally beautiful, but probably more selfish? image of a beautiful and pure type of woman. I can see her standing in a garden in white, sunlight falling on her among flowers, with all the innocence of a person inexperienced with this world. Beautiful, tender, soft, vulnerable, pure, and possible to complete the picture pregnant, she would just be a living work of art. It does not seem such a creature would have much of her own existence at all, but rather, be an accompaniment. Intrinsically, her identity would be relational to others, a comfort, a nurturer, not at all emotionally independent, but rather the exact opposite, a creature of total emotional investment, a living flowing source of loving nurturing. Soft and quiet, loving and reverent, gentle, and kind. Not really strong in and of herself, but an accompaniment to her strong husband. Not really a father type of disciplinarian figure, or a person of boundless self-strength, but, a loving giver in a family unit. Unable to be divorced from a family unit, somehow beautiful there, like a piece to a puzzle.

I don't know, this world would have many words for such a type of a thing. "Lazy", "entitled", "weak", "useless", etc. etc. But such a thing is the topic of many fine art masterpieces. 

I am a little too practical and too rough to be such a thing. But I have seen elements of it.

I don't know I think back to when I was younger - it seems I was very disinterested in other things except to be married and to have a husband and a family, and everything else was a side goal around these goals. I don't even know why I had these desires so strongly but, I just remember having them. Desperately wanting a husband, and the validation thereof. Desperately wanting a companion, and a lifelong bond. Desperately wanting children, and to be with them. How would any of these things go with some kind of ascetic life of being a hero doctor in some refugee country? And yet I find the doctor figure more admirable than me. 

I don't know what I'm doing here, and I don't really know why my life has been what it has been. It has all been greatly upside down. I scarcely know what to aspire to that I could term success anymore. Even my belief system seems to have dead ended in insanity. 

And yet here I am and what am I going to do? What can I do? 

I am not really sure what God wants from me. I read in there that it's faith. I don't know how to produce such a thing. I don't know whether God is angry at me or not, or whether I just lost my mind all on my own. I don't know if I hear messages from God, or if it's a satanic deception, or the product of a diseased mind. I don't even know what God wants more - ministering to the poor, or the sort of personal worship that is common to a human being. It seems that pure undefiled religion is external - it seems it is in doing practical things for the poor - it seems like this is the "pure" religion. But then why would any of that require faith? Are internal things important at all? What is a relationship with God anyway? Is it like obeying a great King of altruism? Is it about doing as many altruistic works as possible? Or is it something about a heart condition? Is it something selfish and personal, like a relationship with a husband or a parent? What does it mean that God is a jealous God who wants praise and worship? How does God define worship? Is it exclusively caring for widows and orphans? Why would God require this when He is very capable of caring for all of us? Is it just as an exercise in learning about Him or is He delegating a task or ...why did He say this at all? And if this is the "purest" form, does He even want any other form of worship? Is He emotionally needy in any way, such as to want worship or praise, or is He totally autonomous, in which case, why is idolatry important at all? If God is God and without any need for praise or worship or need for anything, why does it matter if some people are silly and pray to some dolls of their own making? Supposing these people were walking in the ways of giving and altruism that God described, why would it matter what they felt internally? Is it all about external doing in a selfless way? Or is it really like an intimate relationship, like one between a man and a woman? What does it mean that God is like a husband? Does it mean that He is like a provider? 

Does God have feelings and needs and wants? 

Why does God want worship? What is worship? Is this a human delusion that God wants worship? Why would God want worship from fading dust vapors? 

I don't understand any of it. 

Anyway, it says in the Bible that God wants worship. Even though perhaps that is primarily taking care of other people. But maybe the faith thing goes with the relational aspect of God. Maybe it goes with the husband analogy, as a form of trust. 

But why would God want to be trusted? Why would this be important to God? Or rather, why would God care if His creation didn't trust Him. This somehow seems correlated to this Earth experience. 

Well certainly God is worthy of trust. Maybe God feels disrespected when we don't fully invest in the words He says, maybe it is viewed as some form of rejection, and some antithesis of obedience. Maybe it is not loving to distrust God, or try to work out what we can't work out on our own, maybe it's that.

Maybe this situation has something to do with that. 

I know I don't want to disrespect God, and my goal is to be obedient, and pleasing to Him. If it is within my capacity to hurt God through lack of faith, and myself in the process as well, I would not want to do it. In the end, I am not some independent, self-sufficient sort of thing, even though I admire the image of that. In the end, I am very dependent on the Lord, and the last thing I want to do is to distrust His words. I don't know what that will mean for my life. 

I see in my insanity the phrase coming up again and again that God will strengthen me with His right hand. I don't know what I am supposed to do with that. I see that it is written there and constantly before my eyes. I don't know if it's a coincidence, from the devil, applicable to me, or not applicable to me. I guess maybe God wants me to trust that it's applicable to me as well, and not just to a group of people in the past. 

Maybe God has allowed these circumstances to happen to strengthen my faith in Him. After all, this is certainly a circumstance by no means in any way of my own, or devised by the world - that I would ever find myself out of. I have no confidence in the medical establishment's attempts to cure anything beyond broken bones or open wounds or things that can literally be cut out of the body with surgical brutality. For a spiritual problem, I know only God can heal me. If my mind is ever healed, I know it can only come from God. 

And perhaps He is saying He will at one point heal me. I guess I would thank Him for that, what else would I do? 

I guess I would feel special and loved. 

But perhaps its some sort of lifelong test of sorts, I don't know. Or some lifelong consequence of sin. I don't know. 

Maybe God wants me to somehow love Him through painful circumstances so that my love for Him is sincere and not situational.

I wish I knew what it was that God wanted, besides this thing I don't understand, this faith that I don't know how to produce.

All I know is that God made me, and He is my Lord and Savior. And if I could make Him happy by worshiping Him, or walking in his ways, I want to. Because I do worship him in my heart, even though I don't have the amazing life report of a refugee doctor, and even if my life looks more like a total disaster right now than anything to glorify God with. If I ever met Him, I would bow down and worship at His feet, and love Him very much I am sure. And I am trying, in the interim, however failingly, to do what is right. I know I need to try better, and repent of the sins I daily do, like beating poor Willy. I know I need to be less selfish.

My life will be over in a few years anyway. I know that only then will I have the answers that I seek. I am trying to do the best I can where I am at, even though I am not at present, some beautiful completed spiritual thing. 

I hope I can grow to be less disappointing.